To all the languages I loved and lost

(NB: In the following text there will be caps, mild swearing, and references to killing and murder – language learning is not for the faint of heart.) I’m in a massive updating and computer tinkering spree, which means a lot of frustration and waiting for digital processes to chug through whatever they’re chugging through. To amuse myself I started to write toots with languages as persons when you try to learn them. After all I’ve studied 10+ of them and have seen some stuff. (I keep my Mandarin alive though.) Here’s the polished collection. Enjoy!

Koine Greek

Koine Greek: Hehe, you need to find the veeeerb. It’s the key to *magical hand gesture* everything.
Me: Ok. What does a verb look like?
K.G: You can call me a lego-language since I put suffixes on verbs, and suffixes on suffixes, and…
Me: So a verb can have a lot of different looks? How many?
KG: About one hundred. And I put suffixes on all the other words too.
Me: BUT THIS MAKES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE A VERB!
Koine Greek: Let me also introduce you to the aorist.
Me *still trying to find the verb*: What’s that?
KG: In short it’s the indication of a past punctual action – like ‘murdered’.
Me: I’M OUT!

Mandarin

Mandarin *enthusiastically*: But I’m easy to learn! I’ve thrown out complicated grammar loooong ago! Here! Read!
Me: Horse.
Mandarin *still smiling*: Yes!
Me: THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? HORSE???
Mandarin: Oh, but can’t you see from the context? It’s… *Tolstoy novel worthy length of explanation*
Me: I see. That’s rather nifty! Now…
Mandarin: *ahem*
Me: What?
Mandarin: Let me just drop a ton of particles over everything…

Icelandic

Icelandic: I don’t throw away anything.
Me: I can see that! I recognise a lot from Swedish dialects and old Norse. Are you sure…
Icelandic: Not. A. Thing.
Me: But…
Icelandic *vibrating ominously*: DON’T. TAKE. ANYTHING! THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE! MINE!
Me *backs away slowly*: Ok. How do you say ‘Hi!’?
Icelandic: *contracts two entire sentences into* Bless!
Me: Bless?
Icelandic: Yes? Who has the time to say all that stuff out loud!

Hawaiian

Me: Hello! I’m just visiting a bit. I understand you have a grammatical pattern named after an octopus?
Hawaiian: The pepeke, yes.
Me: That’s honestly the best description of grammar ever! Shakespeare would’ve loved you!
Hawaiian: Perhaps not.
Me: Huh?
Hawaiian: I don’t have the verb ‘to be’.

Biblical Hebrew

Biblical Hebrew: Good evening. Today we’ll learn how to inflect the verb ‘to kill’.
Me: Bye!

Classical Sanskrit

Me: Classical Sanskrit looks interesting. It’ll hopefully give me some context…
Classical Sanskrit: SURPRISE AORIST!!!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If you want me to keep writing silly texts, and some more serious ones, you can buy me a cuppa’ on ko-fi. The place is part of the updating spree and rough around the edges, but fully functional. Like the Death Star – or my ailing laptop.